


The Most Unnecessary Sex Scene

by 2bad2write



Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!
Genre: Awkward Kissing, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Comfort, Crying, Cuddling, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Explicit Sexual Content, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, Gay, Hand Jobs, Hermaphrodites, Kissing, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Moaning, Neck Kissing, Penis In Vagina Sex, Puns that will cripple your soul, Reading, Rough Kissing, Smut, Sorry Not Sorry, Vaginal Fingering, Whining, puns, reading kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 09:57:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20890241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2bad2write/pseuds/2bad2write
Summary: A continuation of the happenings after the Kirby: Right Back at Ya! Episode: A Novel Approach. Dedede gets super into reading and Escargoon introduces him to one of his favorite book series! Unfortunately, our friendly snail forgot about a particularly dirty chapter and things get heated fast.





	The Most Unnecessary Sex Scene

**Author's Note:**

> Heads up for this fic: Because snails are known to be hermaphrodites in real life and Escargoon is a snail, Escargoon will have both genitalia. However, unlike real life penguins, Dedede is gonna be hung like a motherfucker. Hopefully these real life inconsistencies don’t ruin your shipping experience. Happy Reading!

Ever since he got that signature, King Dedede has done nothing but read. Granted, it was nothing but comic books and monster catalogues but his passion was palpable nonetheless. It was so palpable, in fact, that it had only taken him 3 days to read every single comic and catalogue in the castle. He threw quite the tantrum when he heard the Cappy Town Bookstore only carried wordy picture-less garbage. Only the calm and collected reasonings of his second-in-command would be enough to lull the troubled King back to his luxury limousine before he could tear down another wall with his massive hammer. It was then, thought Dedede, that Escargoon would become his appointed book-reader. The snail would oblige if only to secure that he wouldn’t receive a beating for his defiance. It would be an irritating inconvenience for sure but not one that was expected to last long. However, when days turned into weeks, Escargoon couldn’t help but feel overtly charmed by his King’s commitment. it was a decent change of pace that seemed to have benefitted just about everyone: Dedede was happy, Escargoon was experiencing less head trauma and life in Dreamland became prosperous and peaceful. Of course, the residents of Cappy Town could never escape their terrible tyrant’s tendencies for turning loose a monster or two but it was certainly becoming more of a rarity. “The monster of the week” had switched up it schedule to “the monster of the month”. Even that Customer Service Guy was starting to question his buyers loyalty to the brand. To hear Dedede defend his inactivity with words he had learned from his most recent reading seminars was almost touching for snail. ‘Superfluous’ was one that caught him off guard. It was then that Escargoon was seeing the true effect he was having on him, the real value of the time they shared. This wasn’t just about being together and having a few laughs, they did that enough on their own. This was about helping Dedede grow and change. Perhaps some day he may even outgrow his dependency on NME and become a functional and positive figure to society. The thought alone was enough to make the mauve mollusk smile. It may not happen for a while but for now he was content.

Escargoon patted down his delicate maid’s gown, clearing the dirt off his mitts. He admired his freshly dusted bookshelves and how the those leathery spines shone a brilliant orange hue from the decorative wall lights. As he stood there waiting for his reading partner to arrive, he wondered solemnly if the King’s passion would die before they could clear a single row. So far, Dedede has been fairly satisfied with Escargoon’s selection but he knew they would eventually find something that he would hate and would ruin reading for them forever. The thought depressed the snail as he prayed for that time to be delayed for as long as possible. A loud knocking at the set of double doors interrupted his thoughts. Before Escargoon could even think about opening the door, a large foot proved to disregard it’s knobs.

“Good evening, Your Majesty!” His trusted servant welcomed with a bow. Dedede cut with the curt greeting as he shuffled through the large entrance with apparent difficulty. Escargoon then noticed the large red bag that the tyrant was carrying over his shoulders. Even for the robust King Dedede, the sack was massive, possibly twice his size. It shifted dramatically with each step taken and sounds akin to rushing water could be heard as he moved. “Sire, what is that?” Escargoon asked with caution.

“It’s mah new bean bag chair!” Dedede strained before setting it down in the middle of the room. “I can’t stand sittin’ on the floor no more! It’s downright dehumanizin’!” 

“We used to sit on the couch all the time before you started fussin’ with the cushions.” The cohort teased.

“It’s distracting!” Dedede was ready to the defensive. “How’m I supposed to focus when your couch is sheddin’ all over my kingly self?” 

“I guess it’s alright.” Escargoon sighed as he delicately folded and tucked away his maid’s outfit into a nearby drawer. “Just as long as you take it back with ya when we’re done.” Escargoon was proud of his study and it’s consistent furnishing style. It was regal and classic, held to a noble standard unlike Dedede’s room which was a mishmash of rural flare and royal necessities. He was not about to have his prized safe haven cluttered with toys and knickknacks.

Dedede dove into the impracticality designed chair and the pellets inside crunch under the sudden weight. He shuffled and squirmed, fitting into what could be considered a seated position. “Oh boy!” The King laughed enthusiastically. “Slugshoe is finally gonna find that there Snail-Trail this chaptah, I can feel it!”

“We’ll see!” Escargoon sung before subsiding a chuckle. When they first began reading together, Dedede felt partial to picking children’s books with Pappy Pottey being his sort of muse. But, as the reading sessions continued, Escargoon sought out to push for more mature novels that he felt would better suit his Majesty’s interests. It was there King Dedede found his love for action adventure and mystery. He absolutely adored hearing the many ways to describe punching someone in the face. The way the words would explain the brutality with such flowery language was almost inspiring to the mad king. While the action would fuel his tyrannical side, mystery would appeal to a rarely seen side of him: his intelligent side. It became a real ego boost for the King to figure out the meaning behind a clue or call out the killer before they would reach the incriminating chapter. With his right-hand snail’s support, Dedede’s passion only grew as did his reading selection. Escargoon was confident then in sharing one of his favorite series: “Crime of Slime”, a fantastic set of stories about one snail’s mission to save a small town from a despicable crime lord. The meek minion was admittedly apprehensive at first given how intense the material can get but he was relieved to see his King finding a sort of kinship with the protagonist; Detective Slugshoe. Seeing Dedede admire someone who not only wasn’t himself but was a snail of all things gave Escargoon a grand sense of pride he never would have expected to come from his superior. Perhaps, in its own twisted way, he could see his King admiring him in the same light.

Currently, the duo were on the second book: “Crime of Slime: The Vicious and the Viscous”, a filler in the series if Escargoon was being honest. It was made purely to tie up loose ends the first book left after its dramatic climax and as a setup for the reveal of a secret antagonist. Avid fans of the series would argue that it helped flesh out Slugshoe’s character but it was a stretch. Regardless, Dedede seemed to be enjoying it all the same despite its lack of substance. He would obsess constantly about the Snail-Trail, an alleged drug ring that Slugshoe has been following since the first book, and wondered of its whereabouts. The King was absolutely fascinated by how the book would go to great lengths in describing the twisted effects of the narcotics these evil-doers were illegally distributing for profit. Escargoon would find himself hesitating to continue at points at the expense of not offending Dedede’s low-tolerance for graphic imagery but every time Dedede would just yell “Keep readin’!” or “What’d ya stop for?” It was comforting having the King so openly express his joy for literature that Escargoon had held sentimental value with for years. It was unbelievable at times, the snail was convinced if he pinched himself he would suddenly be awake in the middle of the night in his bed.

Escargoon sidled over to one of his bookshelves and scanned the spines before landing his finger on a thick black book. With a delicate finger, he slid the book gently out of its place and admired the cover: a white silhouette of eyestalks that popped out dramatically against the colorless background. The title’s font was reminiscent of that of a messy typewriter, ink dirtying the cover with brisk white splotches. Even the prude Escargoon could see how suggestive this could appear at first glance but he knew better than that. With the book now in his hands, he brings himself to his reading partner, comfortably standing in front of him as if he were an audience member.

“Do you remember where we left off?” The snail asked with a smile knowing full well where they’re at in the story. 

“Yeah! We’re on chaptah 7!” Dedede answers quickly. “Slugshoe just gave a whoopin’ to those real bad dudes that snatched up Madam Mollusc!” 

“That hussy never learns, does she?” Escargoon mutters somewhat under his breath. He flips through the pages, letting them glide under his thumb before stopping right where they left off. “Alright! You ready, Highness?” The King fidgeted in his seat before speaking. 

“A-Actually, ya know Escargoon,” He stammered, sufficiently grabbing the snail’s attention; this is new. “You’re always readin’ to me like I ain’t know my way around a circle. You must think I’m a real dummy, don’tcha?”

“Sire, what are you saying?” Escargoon approached the sudden downer Dedede with a gentle hand. “Where is this coming from?”

“I dunno, maybe I wanna hold the book sometimes and just look at those funny words!” Dedede tilted and turned his head up like an indignant child. “but you keep on hoggin’ the pages all to yo’self!”

“Quite frankly, Sire,” Escargoon’s voice hardened defensively. “I doubt you’ll get very far on your own. Some of these words have more than one syllable in them… if you even know what that is.”

“I don’t need ta read it!” He growled in response. “You’re readin’ it for me! I just wanna looksee!” 

“How am I going to read the pages if you’re holding the book?”

“Well,” Dedede shuffled with an unnatural pause. “There’s enough room here ta fit two a’me!” The King squirmed in his seat, shifting over to one side. He pat the newly created divot of space in the chair as a welcoming gesture. “This way, we can both look at those funny words!”

Is that was this was about? Cuddling? This wasn’t necessarily a foreign concept to either of them, they’ve done it plenty of times in the past. However, this is the first time Dedede has ever been so upfront about it. Whenever the two would hug or hold hands, it came about naturally rather than being asked for. It was a bold move to say the least, if not downright adorable. The snail smiled and sighed, fully submitting to his superior’s demands. He climbed into the seat, whining at the uneven terrain that loudly protested his presence. He managed to get his back turned in the space made for him and he flops into it with the grace of a newborn calf. He steadies into his seat, adjusting himself so that he can at least preform with a modicum of comfort. How the King is sitting so peacefully in this thing Escargoon would never know as it buckled and snapped with the tiniest bit of movement. His position was made slightly more bearable when a sly arm snakes it’s way over the unsuspecting snail and closes around his shoulder, pressing him inward to the King’s side. His body was plush and warm and the felty material of his robe was soft and inviting. Pushing into his King’s pillowy sides, he sighs contently almost in a purr; no matter how many times they’ve clung to each other, he could never get enough of this.

“Happy?” He murmured sweetly, eyes closed.

“Yeah yeah,” Dedede dismisses. “Now give it here.” Escargoon happily relinquishes the book and uses his now empty hand to pull closer to his King, laying it across his fat stomach. Was this romantic? Escargoon couldn’t tell anymore. Their relationship was so complicated, switching between bickering rivals to star-crossed lovers at the toss of a hat. It must be even more confusing to onlookers, seeing their friendship change throughout the week as if it were the weather. Escargoon wasn’t even sure if Dedede was romantically inclined to the same sex, if any sex. Princess Rona doesn’t count, not to Escargoon at least. Dedede saw that royal status and wanted to take it without question. Either way, this continued confusion further frustrated the poor snail. This was a happy moment for him, being nice and close to his King, but why? Was it because they were friends or because they were something more?

“Escargoon?” Dedede jostled his shoulder, awakening him from his fantastical stupor.

“Oh!” The snail exclaimed, somewhat surprised by his own lack of awareness. “Excuse me, Sire! You finally ready?”

“I’ve been ready!”

It took a bit of coaching for Dedede to turn the pages at the right time but soon the two were in sync. The story was progressing steadily much to the duo’s delight. Though, it became apparent for Escargoon that his King was being particularly quiet. They had made it through a whole 10 pages and nary a comment, question or concern broke their natural flow. Was Dedede finally fullyimmersed into the world’s story or was he focusing on getting the timing down of the page-flipping? Either way, Escargoon was not about to start asking questions now, they were coming up on the best part!

_“‘You’ll never get away with this, Chief!’ It was peanuts to say at that point and the slimy bastard knew it. That loogie and his lackeys all knew I was full of hot air as soon as they had my face bashed against cold hard floor.” _Escargoon narration was spot-on as he took on the dramatic role with a serious tone. Adding a cartoonish but sinister laugh, he switched rolls effortlessly between the tough and gruff protagonist and the over-the-top villain character. _“‘Sorry, Slugshoe!’ I felt an impression dig into the back of my skull. Size 9 and a half. ‘But I’m afraid you’ll find that incriminating me is going to be mighty difficult when the whole city is after your head!’ The Chief was looking to get a head start. A kick to the head is all it took to start seeing stars. End of Chapter 7.”_

“Wow!” Dedede spoke up. “So the Chief a’police had it out for Slugshoe this whole time?”

“That’s right, Your Majesty!” Escargoon commended for keeping up with the story. “And I gotta say, that twist was a real knock out!”

“But I got’s me a question!” The King interjected with a limp wrist. “Why would that donut-lovin’ son of a snail wanna pick on Slugshoe?”

“Well its a secret, Sire.” Escargoon stated plainly. “We’ll just have to keep reading if we want to find out.”

“Well what are we waitin’ for?” Dedede braced the book with both hands, ready to continue.

“What, no snack-break?” The snail teased with an air of genuine concern. Escargoon was more than happy to read on but it was unusual for His Majesty to not want some quick downtime to digest the happenings of a finished chapter over tea. Plus, it would give Escargoon a chance to clear up his dried throat from all the nonstop action; it’s an honest workout to be talking this much.

“Snackin’ can wait!” Dedede pronounced. “We gotta find out what happened to Slugshoe!”

“If you say so, Sire.” Escargoon relaxed and inched back into his cuddling position. With his head craned over the King’s soft stomach, he read the title of the new chapter with an emphatic voice. “Chapter 8: A…” Escargoon paused, reading the title once to himself before trying again aloud. “Chapter 8: A Lusty Betrayal…?”

“What are ya supposin’ that means?” Dedede asked.

“My memories are gettin’ all kinds of fuzzy.” the snail struggled. “I.. actually don’t remember this chapter one bit.” It was true. He couldn’t believe it but it was true. He could recite the entirety of the ‘Crime of Slime’ in perfect detail: the story, the character motives, the symbolism but somehow this single chapter had escaped him. This acute lack of knowledge irritated the snail and he was determined to refresh his memory.

As the two read together, it is revealed that Slugshoe was saved by Madam Mollusc which is a striking change from the norm. ‘It is a woman’s job to be saved by a man’, a philosophy spouted so often in this series that, if caught wind by a certain angry little girl in a ponytail, would have been scolded and torn to shreds. It only makes the following chapter so much stranger as Madam Mollusc begins to show her sensitive side with more disregard. She explains how the whole town has been buzzing about Slugshoe being a traitor and how there’s now a warrant out for not only him but for herself as well. She goes on about how she refuses to help Slugshoe with his investigations any longer in a last stitch effort to preserve the man’s safety to which Escargoon rolls his eyes at. All this harlot ever does is get that poor man into trouble and she’s building herself up into this oh-so righteous character? Please. Regardless, as awful as it was to read her lines, Escargoon felt it hard to shake off this uneasy feeling in him. Everything he was reading felt so foreign to him as if he were reading it for the first time. Is it possible that he skipped over this chapter because he hated Madam Mollusc’s character that much? She may not be the most fun to read but she does play a bigger roll near the end of the series and is worth understanding all the novels for. It was perplexing to say the least but Escargoon noticed as he kept reading, the reason for his amnesia became more apparent.

_“‘No! I refuse!’ She whipped those golden tailored locks across her face like she was pulling the curtains closed to the windows that were her gorgeous emerald eyes.” _Escargoon’s falsetto wasn’t the strongest but it was enough of an effort he would be willing to put out for Madam Mollusc. _“We’ve gotten so far together, Madam!’ Her shoulders were tight in my hands. ‘Do you really just want to up and leave the very place you grew up in? The place we have worked so hard to protect? Does all of this matter not to you?!’ She snapped like a wet twig. ‘Detective, please!’ And just like that, there’s the water works. I thought after these many months of collaboration, I would have gotten used to those crocodile tears but they just look more and more pained each time.’”_

“That boy’s actin’ softer than a pair a fuzzy bunny slippers!” Dedede admonished with a laugh.

“Well it sure is putting me to sleep.” Escargoon joked in a harsh tone. This was getting harder to read by the second. Escargoon has no problem with romantic subplots, in fact some of his favorite novels revolve heavily around romance. However, this just felt so incredibly forced to the point where it feels as if it’s only made to increase the page limit. It’s embarrassing, really, for Escargoon to read all this aloud but thankfully Dedede seems to share his sentiment. The snail let’s out a long sigh before picking up his act once more.

_“I let her go and forced myself to the window, peeking through the drawn blinds like the shady drifter the streets were soon to see me as. She crept up to my side, laying a soft blue hand on my shoulder. ‘Slugshoe.’ Her sheepish voice found its way under my skin just like it always has. She’s a spellbinder, an enchantress. She knows just how to get me to look at her in the right light. ‘I wanted more than anything to save this town by your side. You mean the world to me. But now that we have to live in the shadows, it’s just not safe anymore. We can’t go on like this, Detective.’ I realized she was right. The police was sure to have our quarters on lockdown by now and every baddie on the corner would be waiting with a shiv in one hand and a bag in the other. Whether it’d be for the money or for our bodies was a toss up, a gamble. But I was never any good at gambling. I don’t call it quits when I break even or get dealt a bad hand. No sir, I raise the stakes and double down. ‘Much can happen in the shadows, Madam.’ I take it by her repulsed expression that she’s a better gambler than I am but I’m still not ready to fold. ‘When I first arrived here, you had me swear to clean this town for good, yeah? To find the man that took your little girl, yeah?’ She was silent, her tears doing the talking. ‘I make good on my promises, Madam. You can leave all you like but will not rest til my job here is done.’ The hat was back on. With a gentle tilt, I made my way for the door, ready to set off when—“ _Escargoon stopped, starstruck.

“When what? WHEN WHAT?” Dedede grabbed his subordinate by the eyestalk and shook it with growing irritation.

_“W-When.. she smashed her supple lips against my own.“ _Escargoon recited, a twinge of red crossing his face.

“Woah! That girlie’s gone crazy!” Dedede exclaimed but it didn’t seem to reach Escargoon’s ears. That single line alone drew back an access of long since repressed memories. He knew this chapter. Everyone knew this chapter. This was the unnecessary sex scene.

When Escargoon read this chapter for the first time so many years ago, he nearly gave up the series as a whole. The book was already failing to meet his expectations and this chapter was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Thankfully, after reading a few reviews that not only asserted his feelings on the matter but also urged readers to continue, he found the maturity to read on. Even so, he’s never found the courage nor reason to finish the single lewd chapter as it literally serves no purpose throughout the rest of the book. It’s never brought up again and it’s never acknowledged by any of the characters. This is the very definition of filler; a cheap yet affective tool used by lazy writers to draw the attention of even lazier readers, that’s all it is. And somehow, he was going to read this, act this, in front of his illiterate, ignorant and innocent King.

Nope. Nuh-uh. Not happening. There HAS to be a way for Escargoon to get out of this and he was determined to do so. “Y-Y-Yah know what, Your Highness?” The snail started with an incredible stutter. “W-Why don’t we just uh.. skip this silly old chapter, huh?”

“What? Why’s that?”

“Umm—Well uh! A couple reasons!” Escargoon strained to pull off his best smile. “First of all, y-you wouldn’t be interested in this kinda stuff! More boring than a bowl a oatmeal, I tell ya! Plus it’s not super important to the story, honest!”

“Didn’t you just say you didn’t know diddly about this here chaptah a few minutes ago?”

“Well I know now!” His boisterous tone lost its feigned friendliness and quickly turned aggressive, slamming his soft fists against his King’s soft stomach like a drum. “Now hurry up and flip to the next chapter!”

“Woah! Hey! What’s this now?” Dedede raised his arms defensively, no longer caressing his snail’s side. “Is that any way to treat yo King?” Escargoon whined, upset as he failed to get through to him. He pawed at Dedede’s robe, pulling lightly as desperate tears began to fall.

“Sire please, just skip it! I beg of you, it’s just a bunch of fluff!” The poor snail pleaded. Dedede brought a hand to the base of his chin and hummed loud with thought.

“Oh, I think I get it now.” Dedede’s voice went incredibly low, eliciting a nervous gulp from Escargoon. He then drew an accusatory finger to the snail’s face, encroaching menacingly. “There’s some’m in here you don’t want me knowin’ about! Like some trade snail secrets or maybe some money hidden in dah pages.” Well, he’s half right. There’s definitely something in there Escargoon doesn’t want him to know. “Well guess what? I am the King! And I ORDER you to start readin’ this chaptah all dah way through!” Dedede set the book down and suddenly reached for Escargoon, grabbing his waist.

“H-Highness!” He shrieked. “W-What do ya think your—“ With a heave, the snail was hoisted into the air before being gently settled into Dedede’s lap. Before he knew it, every side was blocked by big fluffy feathers and soft red robes. With his shell deeply pressed against the bird’s stomach, Escargoon’s face became more and more heated. He could now smell a strong musk that emanated from the inner fabric of the King’s coat, drowned in his scent from being constantly worn. It became immensely overwhelming as his protests fell through. His eyes were forced forward when Dedede picked up the book once more and held it proudly in front of the two with both hands, securely trapping his subordinate. It was an absolute sensory overload. One last tilt up, the two eyes met; proud and predatory ones boring into wet, regretful ones.

**Author's Note:**

> As an aside: Thank you for making the in-browser editor such a fucking pain to use for phones :^)


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